JRRZZ blog

Murphy again. I just wrote down a few sentences and Murphy made it go away. Thanks.

I’ve just come face to face with my missing link. Well, sort of. Now I know how it works and what it isn’t. That’s the most important part, the part that it isn’t. I can’t describe the piece I’m missing out of the puzzle. I know the puzzle isn’t complete without this piece, I know it’s shape but I don’t know the picture it holds which will complete my being. All the lives documented by media follow a single one track lane. A few setbacks here and there but that’s pretty much it. What if that lane didn’t exist? Imagine, just for a moment, life with a goal in mind but no way you can reach it. This is not utopia I’m talking about. More like a desert with sand as far as your eyes can see and in your hand a picture of your destination. The ocean. You dream constantly about the waves over the water, the wind in your hair and the salty air in your chest. But all you can see, feel and breathe is sand. I’m still looking for my sign pole pointing me into the right direction. I don’t know if this is a person, something that will happen or something completely different. I still have a feeling of “this can’t be it”. The feeling something has to happen that will set me back on track. The track I’ve always wanted to find. I haven’t struck gold yet. Maybe I’m looking for understanding or recognization of who I am. I don’t know. No one knows. Life in it’s current form hasn’t got the value worth fighting for. I’m independent. A monotheistic state in my own little world. Until now, this life has brought me no emotional heights nor has it brought me any depressions. You could say I’m normal. But I think that’s part of the point. Being normal takes away the purpose in life they all say you have. It’s the focus of modern civilisation. Fitting in, being normal. But how can you be normal while feeling empty while being normal? Isn’t it just plain wrong? It can’t be justified that my life has to fit in the model made for me by my fellow citizens. I have to break free, this emotional drag is a prison for the free mind. But I still need the key, the piece of the puzzle, the sign pole to help me.
I’ve just turned nineteen. September the 11th. A day of international blindness fueled by greed and lust for power. This day, where I should celebrate, I trace back my steps. I start to wonder, why does a guy my age in the middle of his youth think about world politics, religion and philosophy? One question only I am puzzled about. On this day I replay all major events I’ve been through. I can’t recall when I became what I am today. It just came to be. If I only knew why, or what caused it. I can’t talk to somebody because everyone I know can’t communicate on the same wavelength. The only place left for me to poor my thoughts into is this blog. Maybe somebody reads it and understands the problem. To the untrained eye there’s no problem. I wish my eyes were as blind as those. For me, the only thing left is to wait. See and learn from the days I have left. Yes, I already struggle with mortality at this age. Somehow I’ve already accepted death. I hope my fear of it isn’t gone yet. I have to wait for the significant happening to happen. My puzzle will be solved one day, I’m sure of it.

Tags: Stuff //